How to Kick People Out (Politely)

Author: The Pepur Team
Category: Lazy Host
Reading Time: 4 min

The party started at 8:00 PM. It is now 1:00 AM. The playlist has looped. The snacks are gone. You are tired. You want to brush your teeth and stare at the ceiling in silence.

But Dave is still here.

Dave is sitting on your couch, nursing a lukewarm beer, talking about his theory on why sourdough starters are sentient. He shows no signs of movement.

The fear of the "Lingerer" is the number one reason people stop hosting parties. The social contract dictates that the host cannot go to bed until the last guest leaves. But the guest is too drunk or too oblivious to realize the host is dying inside.

Here is how to break the stalemate without being a monster.

1. The Pre-Emptive Strike

The best defense is a good offense. Set the expectation before they even arrive.

Put the end time on the invite. "8:00 PM - 11:00 PM."
This does not mean you have to physically shove them out at 11:01. It means that at 11:00, you have the moral high ground to start yawning.

2. The "Pajama Signal"

Non-verbal cues are powerful. If the lights are low and the music is loud, the party is "on." Change the environment.

• Turn the lights up. Nothing kills a vibe faster than full overhead lighting. It signals "Clean Up Time."
• Change the music. Switch from "Vibey Lo-Fi Beats" to "Enya" or, if necessary, "Silence."
• Start cleaning. If you start loading the dishwasher, only the most sociopathic guest will remain seated.

3. The "Last Call" Protocol

Bartenders have mastered this. They do not say "Get out." They say "Last call." It is a warning. It gives people a mental countdown.

Do the same. "Alright guys, I'm gonna crash in about 20 minutes."
This is polite. It is direct. It gives Dave 20 minutes to finish his beer and wrap up his sourdough theory.

4. The Nuclear Option: Blame the Dog/Baby/Neighbors

If they still don't get it, lie.
"I gotta wake up early to walk the dog."
"The neighbors are super strict about noise after 12."
"I have a contagious rash that flares up after midnight." (Use with caution).

5. Automation (The Coward's Way Out)

If you are truly conflict-averse, let technology be the bad guy.

Set a smart home routine. At midnight, the lights slowly brighten to 100% and the music fades out. It is passive-aggressive, but it is effective.

Or, use Pepur. Schedule a "Thanks for coming!" text to go out to all attendees at 11:30 PM. When everyone's phone buzzes simultaneously with a thank you note, the message is clear: The show is over.

Summary

Your house is not a 24-hour diner. You are allowed to close. Be clear, be firm, and if all else fails, just put on your pajamas and start turning off the lights. They will get the hint.

A Few Questions You Were Probably Going To Google

Q: Is it rude to put an end time on an invite?
A: No. It is considerate. Guests like to know how much energy they need to budget. "Come over for a couple of hours" is more appealing than "Come over for an indeterminate amount of time that might last until dawn."

Q: What if they ask to sleep on the couch?
A: Know your boundaries. If you are cool with it, fine. If not, "I can't do overnight guests tonight, but I can call you an Uber" is a perfectly valid sentence.

Q: How do I stop them from drinking too much?
A: Stop serving. Put the bottles away. Switch to water. "Hydration hour!" is a fun way to say "You are cut off."