Why We Flake: The Neuroscience of Canceling Plans

Author: The Pepur Team
Category: Psychology of Gathering
Reading Time: 5 min

We have all done it.
It is 6:00 PM on a Friday. You have plans at 7:00 PM.
You are on the couch. You are wearing sweatpants.
You look at your phone. You type the text.
"So sorry, not feeling great tonight. Have fun!"
You hit send.

And then: Relief.
A wave of dopamine washes over you. You are free. You have bought back your time.

This is the "Cancellation High." And it is addictive.

The Cost of "Yes" vs. The Cost of "No"

When you say "Yes" to an invite 2 weeks ago, you are a different person.
You are "Future You." Future You is energetic, social, and ambitious.
When the day arrives, you are "Present You." Present You is tired, grumpy, and hates people.

The brain craves the immediate reward of canceling (comfort) over the delayed reward of going (connection).

How to Stop Flaking (And Stop Your Guests From Flaking)

1. Increase the Social Cost.
If you cancel on a 50-person rager, nobody cares. The cost is zero.
If you cancel on a 4-person dinner, you ruin the night. The cost is high.
Host Tip: Make the groups smaller. Make the roles specific. "Dave, you are bringing the ice." Now Dave must come, or there is no ice.

2. Reduce the Friction.
We flake because the event seems "hard."
"I have to drive." "I have to dress up." "I have to buy wine."
Host Tip: "Come in PJs. Pizza is ordered. Uber is on me."
Remove the barriers.

3. The "Maybe" Trap.
"Maybe" is a pre-flake. Do not accept "Maybe."
"I need a headcount for food. Let me know by Tuesday."
Better yet, let an AI do the nagging. Pepur sends the reminders via SMS. It increases the "Social Cost" of flaking because the robot is watching, but it saves you from being the annoying friend who texts "are you coming??" three times.
Force the decision when they are still "Future You."

The flaky friend

We all have one.
Stop inviting them to seated dinners.
Invite them to the "Drop In" hour.
"We'll be at the bar from 8-10."
If they show, great. If not, you didn't hold a seat for them.

Summary

Flaking is a biological impulse. It is the path of least resistance. To beat it, you must make showing up easier than staying home.

A Few Questions You Were Probably Going To Google

Q: Is "social battery" a real thing?
A: Yes. But it recharges faster than you think. Often, once you get to the party, you get a second wind. The hurdle is the door, not the event.

Q: What is a valid excuse?
A: Illness. Family emergency. "I'm tired" is not an excuse, it is a statement of fact that applies to everyone over 30.

Q: Should I call them out?
A: No. Shame doesn't work. Just stop inviting them to high-stakes events. Demote them to the B-List until they earn their way back.